Ok, fine, I’ll eat your dust.

It is a strange world that Jenn and I and several of my readers live in.  It is a world in which time has come to a complete standstill.  We are all frozen in place, waiting for the moment that will change everything again and again.  We live in a world where we are waiting, sometimes rather  impatiently, sometimes angrily, sometimes with our eyes closed pretending it will all just go away, ignoring the obvious.

For me the awakening that the world was moving forward without me happened about a year ago.  A lovely young lady, lets call her Rose,  who had been through 5 miscarriages announced she was pregnant.  Now, know that I rejoiced along with the rest of the world!!  I yelled hooray from the tops of many towers, cheering to the world that she was having another baby.  Yes, you read me right.  ANOTHER baby.  You see, she and I got pregnant together in September 2007.  In June of 2008 she gave birth to a beautiful little boy.  I call him Shadow.  He is who I look to when I want to know what Blue could be doing.

I’ve been told by many people that I am odd.  I don’t cringe at pregnancy announcements.  Wait, that is a lie.  There are some that do make me cringe.  They usually involve “accidental” pregnancies from people who I don’t respect.  But for the most part I take find great joy in pregnancy and birth announcements.  Sure, I can tell you that walking out of a restaurant last week I counted 8 pregnant bellies, but I don’t really have a fear of the belly, unless the woman appears to be under the age of 19.

When Rose announced this new pregnancy I was over the moon.  Not only had she realized her dream of a child, she was going to realize it again!  I found it inspiring.  I became overjoyed that maybe she had found the key to it all, and someday, someday soon, I would find it too.  He was born recently.  I again rejoiced.

But I also started thinking about how strange it is that time does move on, even when my world has stopped.  Through my blog readings I have come across several bloggers that were just starting to try when I joined the community in January 2008.  I am amazed at the numbers that have now announced they are getting ready to try for number two.  There has even been two pregnancy announcements.  Now please, don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for them all.

It just leaves me sitting here thinking about how time has simply stopped for me.  When we are out with CLAD I often sit and think of how things could have been.  For example at the Christmas tree lot.  I thought of Delaney and Blue running around together chasing cats, climbing boxes and squealing with delight.  They would have made such a perfect couple don’t you think?  I do.  I think about it an awful lot.  A marriage between them would have sealed our little mismatched family forever.  Lyz and I could take turns being the “Awful Mother-in-Law”.

But that can’t happen because time is standing still.  It doesn’t move forward.  Sure, we age, we make plans, we do things.  But I haven’t moved from this spot.  I may never move on.  Time may always be locked here.  Never moving into reality with the rest of the world.  But I have to tell you, even if it doesn’t ever start moving again, the five people that I have holding my hands, pulling me through the murkieness, I wish you all could have five just like them.


7 thoughts on “Ok, fine, I’ll eat your dust.

  1. You’re beautiful, you know that? I have so much love and respect for you. Even now, with our daughter in my arms, I still feel left behind and bitter. I just can’t help it.

  2. The taste of dust is so awful in our mouths, isn’t it?

    This was beautiful writing, but I wish you didn’t have to write it. I am so sorry.

  3. I haven’t wrote you a comment before but I felt I needed to after this post. It is the best description I’ve read/heard about how I feel too.

  4. this is a beautiful post. honestly, your attitude amazes me continually – you never seem bitter or angry (which is so easy to slide into). i am hoping so very much that life starts “moving” for you soon – though, like N, i think those “left behind” feelings can linger way past a bfp/birth…
    love to you ((()))

  5. You are such a wonderful person and this is a beautiful post. It is so very easy to let the anger and resentment sweep you away. I love that you hold on to those you love most and find comfort and happiness in what is a crappy situation.

    Keep your chin up. The world may start moving for you soon.

  6. This is a beautiful, touching post. I totally get it. I hope that time starts to move forward for you very, very soon… You guys will make the best mommies ever. I may not KNOW you, but I know you, and I say it with 100% confidence. And I can’t wait to celebrate that child’s arrival with you guys…

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