Maybe it was never hope…

Cycle day 2. How the hell did that happen??

In all the trials and tribulations of TTCing, I was always good at two things. Progesterone and a good long luteal phase. I rocked them out! I always had a progesterone level in the 30’s on 7dpo. I always had an lp of 14-15 days. I even used some leftover pio shots this cycle just to be sure that all was well. Nope.

I shouldn’t have let yesterday’s post happen. I had written it Tuesday evening. Late that night I went to the bathroom and found spotting. I let myself get all excited…hopeful. Around 3am I went to the bathroom to find full red bleeding. But, to be honest, I wanted to hear happy thoughts. I wanted to read good comments of hope and positivity and ya know, rainbows and unicorns. So I let it post. I’m sorry for the semi-trickery.

Maybe it was never hope that I had in my heart, but denial. Denial of the fact that my body just isn’t going to be the body that makes my dreams come true. Denial of that which I spent my whole life thinking was just a given. Women get pregnant…they have babies…they go on. I am going on. Where am I going? I certainly don’t know.

Crazy is certainly an option.

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12 thoughts on “Maybe it was never hope…

  1. Oh Heidi…there are no words. I just really wish I could do something to fix this for you.

  2. I’m so sorry. After you’ve been doing this for so long, every period feels like a loss, or at least that’s how I’ve felt sometimes. Love.

  3. Heidi… I’m so sorry. From experience, my period and cycle went all bananas right before I got pregnant. Maybe it is your body just straightening out or something… don’t give up quite yet. I know you can do this! I just feel it.

  4. I am still always hoping for you- still absolutely convinced it will happen.
    Hugs until then-
    “Blue’s b-day partner”

  5. Heidi…I’m behind, but I wanted to say: Yay for a KD. And 😦 for an early period. I’m so sorry. I wish you didn’t have to keep going through more shit. Hugs from here.

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