two years…really?

Two years ago today, I sat right where I am sitting now. Well, I paced back and forth past where I am sitting right now.

Two years ago today, I thought my dreams had come true.

Two years ago today, I had hope.

Two years ago today, I saw those much sought after two pink lines.

Two years ago Blue was in my belly, today he is in my heart.

Today, I am heartbroken. I have kept telling myself that time will make it better. That the gaping hole in my heart will start to hurt less. I have kept up with the faith having and the believing and the hope. It has gotten me no where. I take that back. I am better. The drugs help. I haven’t begged Jenn to just let me die in quite awhile. I’m no longer lost in that deep pit of black overwhelming despair.

It is cliche to say it, but it does seem like yesterday and a million years ago all in one thought.

I thought after his first “Birthday” passed and we had made the rounds through all the holidays that things would start to be easier. I suppose in my head they are (except that one day after Wednesday in November). I’ve told Jenn and Lyz that I am excited for Halloween and Christmas. I think I have Joni to thank for that, forcing us to not only have Easter, but to ENJOY it. But in my heart I think there will always be that empty, swollen, gaping hole.

Tomorrow is my two year blogaversary. The direction that my life and the blog have taken in these past two years is not the one I would have chosen, but it is about as close as it can be. I have friends and family who care about me, I met a great group of people on the internet, and I have a son. That is the most important thing to remember. I have a son.

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11 thoughts on “two years…really?

  1. I love you!!! We do have a son!!! Some way and some how we will have another child to add to our family!!!

    love you always,

    J

  2. I’m sorry. You are right, it isn’t as acute, and we can cope better, but it is a big, gaping hole. At some point today, as I’m getting thanksgiving ready, I will remember a little boy who should be 18 months, and isn’t here.

    I will remember all of you especially today.

  3. Thinking of you and of Blue today. The day to day stuff gets better, but I know there will always be a hole where Blue should be.

    Hugs . . .

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