To My Dearest Auntie Florence,


I appreciate the need to take a vacation every so often.

I know I’ve been cursing at you lately every time you show up, but this is ridiculous.

I have grand plans on sending you on an extended vacation, but taking a leave of absence without good reason is unacceptable.

Today is cycle day 67. This is a new record for you for not showing up. Well, at least in the time I have been charting. What could possibly be making you so late.

Maybe you are on permanent vacation? Have I hit menopause at the ripe old age of 32? It is impossible for me to be pregnant as no swimmers were introduced to your home since the last time you were in town. (Not that I haven’t pee’d on a million sticks just to be sure.)

So please come home. I need you. I want you here. Everyone around me wants you here too because I have become one cranky arse biznatch without you.


I mean seriously, my chart doesn’t even fit on the page!


5 thoughts on “To My Dearest Auntie Florence,

  1. ugh, she is a total bitch. there when you dont want her, gone when you do. 67 days is insane.

    have you tried leaving home in white pants with no tampons/pads? she tends to fall for that trick…

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