**Warning, this is the whole story, our raw emotions. I will try not to be too graphic with the details, but I am going to share the emotions. I understand if you don’t want to read it, but since I am treating this blog as our journal, I need to get the feelings out of me.**
Thursday, January 10th we had our regular four month appointment. Jenn also had her pre-op appointment so we were going back and forth between two rooms. Dr. Stabler, our OB, was getting ready to use the doppler to listen for Blueberry’s heartbeat so Jenn came over to my room.
Dr. Stabler put the doppler onto my belly and we instantly heard the sound Jenn and I have been hearing with our doppler, and said that it was Blueberry swimming away from the wand, and this gave us great relief, as we hadn’t been able to find the heartbeat for a few days, but had heard this swimming noise.
Dr. Stabler decided since she wasn’t even getting my heartbeat on the doppler, she’d go get a different doppler. Ten minutes of that doppler and she went and got the offices ultrasound machine, which is very old. We could see him on the screen, but couldn’t make him out well. Dr. Stabler called in Jenn’s doctor-Pam Martin to come give a second opinion as she is a OB specialist.
Dr. Martin had the same response, she could make him out, but not clearly. By this point I was laying on the table crying. I was scared, but honestly couldn’t believe anything was wrong. They sent us to the main part of the hospital (our office is located down a wing of the Women’s and Babies Hospital of Lancaster) for a sonogram to put our minds at ease, both doctors telling us this happens often, and not to worry. (Looking back, I’m sure they already knew).
We waited in a waiting room for 20 minutes, both of us nervous and teary. They took us back to a room and had me get in a gown. The girl came in to do the sonogram and we were still so positive that we asked her if she could tell us the sex. She explained that she isn’t allowed to tell us anything.
We stared at her face as she did the sonogram, and I give her total credit for being able to not show a single emotion. She left and we waited almost 45 minutes for someone to come tell us what was going on with our precious Blueberry.
Dr. Stabler opened the door, and apologized for it taking her so long, but she wanted to be the one to tell us. She never even said the words, I started screaming and Jenn grabbed me and held me tight while she cried. Dr. Stabler held us both. She kept repeating over and over again that there was nothing we did wrong, that there was nothing we could have done differently. Based on his size he had passed away about a week ago. The three of us cried together for quite awhile, and I became angry and wanted out of the hospital now.
She explained that they would put seaweed sticks into my cervix to get it to dilate, and that another doctor, Dr. Angelasanti would be in too explain the whole procedure to me. That I would stay in the hospital overnight and they would do a D&E in the morning. I didn’t want to stay. She said she would talk to Dr. Angelasanti and see what they could do.
A nurse came in after Dr. Stabler left and started to explain other things too us. That they would have a picture of the baby if we wanted it. I didn’t. I didn’t want anything. She gave us a memory box, and I wanted to scream at her. What the hell is a box going to do for us? She also explained what we could do with our precious Blueberry’s body. The hospital offers a Share Burial. A local funeral home buries all of the baby’s lost prior to birth in a shared casket once every two months. Again I didn’t care, leave us alone.
After the nurse left Dr. Angelasanti came in and told us our surgical options. I could go home and miscarry naturally, but she didn’t recommend that since we were so late into the pregnancy…this was not an option to me, waiting around with my dead baby in my belly…
Dr. Angelasanti didn’t want us to do what Dr. Stabler recommended because there is a small risk for cervical or uterine damage. At this time I didn’t even think about it, it didn’t matter to me, I wanted this over, and now. Damage means nothing when you are in so much new raw pain. The pity looks the doctors and nurses were giving us were killing me.
Dr. A explained what would happen, kind of, she told us that she would insert the seaweed before we left, and that should I begin cramping or bleeding before the next morning we were to come right back to the hospital. Fine, do it, I want out of here.
By this time we were both numb. I didn’t cry for quite a bit. After they finished the seaweed I just wanted to leave, but we had to wait yet again for someone to come in and tell us what time to be in the hospital the next morning. Be there at 9:30, surgery at 11.
We walked out to the car hand in hand, bleeding hearts bleeding for each other. We made a few phone calls on the way home, it hurt to say it out loud. I couldn’t even get Blueberry out of my mouth. If I didn’t say it, it wasn’t happening.
We got home and crawled into bed. Just held each other and cried. Sleeping would be easier that being awake and feeling things. There are no words to describe how we felt. It is a feeling of not wanting to ever go on, and wanting to start over again immediately.
I don’t remember the rest of the evening all that much. I could hear Jenn taking control and taking care of me, what she does to heal is to take care of me. I remember calling Lyz and asking what she thought we should do about the Share Burial…she said it couldn’t hurt. Even if we don’t go to the service, or never visit the grave, Blueberry will be there if we should ever want to visit. I also asked her if she thought we should find out Blueberry’s sex, and if I wanted the picture. She said to ask them to put the picture and the sex in an envelope, and give it to her. If we ever wanted it she could give it to us.
Friday morning we got up and headed to the hospital. Our friend Lyz met us there and in being hugged by someone else I lost control again. I asked Jenn before we went in if she would buy a balloon, I wanted to let it go up to the clouds as we were leaving. She promised she would. We didn’t sit in the waiting room for more than five minutes before they called us back. Lyz waited outside.
I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink after midnight. This doesn’t work well for my body. I drink probably two gallons of water a day. They had to draw blood to match it in case I needed a transfusion. I was dehydrated and they kept collapsing the veins. Five spots later they finally got what they needed. The iv was a mess too.
Another nurse came in and I signed the permission for the Share Burial. I asked about the picture. Here is where I became very angry and wished that people would have explained more to us before. She said they couldn’t take a picture, or tell us the sex because during the D&E they cut the baby up to be able to get it out of me. This is not something I needed to know. This is not a sentence I will ever be able to get out of my head. She did bring me a picture from the sonogram. We opened it when we got home. He was perfect. (I had always been sure Blueberry was a boy, so that is what we have decided to believe). The picture looks very similar to the last ultrasound I had at the RE’s office. So perfect. I don’t understand how something so perfect could leave.
Stupid nurse then made another stupid comment. She told us that the funeral home will never call us, since there are so many women that they would have to call. If we have any questions we need to call them. Yes, I understand that we are not the only couple this has ever happened to, but please, it is our pain right now. Don’t make it seem trivial.
They were able to get me into the operating room a little early. I kissed Jenn goodbye and lost it. I cried so hard walking into the or. I was shaking and bawling. The or is so cold. They had me lay down and started covering me in warm blankets. I was still crying and shaking so the nurses thought I was cold and put more blankets on me. The anesthesiologist immediately gave me something that was supposed to relax me. I don’t think it worked. I could feel people putting the heart monitor pads on me, and the blood pressure cuff. I felt the doctor put the oxygen mask over my face. I actually kind of laughed…when I was four I had my tonsils out, I remember scratching the man who put the mask on me.
I heard someone tell me they were ready to put me under, that I should count down from 10. I got the whole way to 2 and they said they obviously needed to give me more. I don’t remember after that.
I woke up screaming that they took my baby, please give me back my baby-I saw the clock and it said 12:00. I heard someone say they were going to give me something, and I lost 10 more minutes. I woke up again and heard the nurses talking about checking my pad. They let me have my glasses back, and sat me up a little bit.
In the bed across recovery from me was a woman who had just given birth via c-section. I heard her and her husband talking about how happy they were. I wanted out.
I heard the nurse telling the girl in the bed next to me that they would let her go back to the other recovery when she was sitting up and could talk cohesively. I sat myself up Indian style and shook myself into reality. I didn’t cry. I didn’t care about how much pain I was in (they only give you the good drugs in the first recovery room).
The nurse came over to me and said wow, you are feeling good. I answered her that yes, I felt just fine. She said she would go get me the wheelchair and would take me to the other recovery. It was only 12:25. They had told Jenn and I that I would be in recovery at least an hour, if not more.
They wheeled me into recovery number two and I asked what I had to do to get out of there. Eat and drink something, keep it down, and pee. They brought me apple juice and shortbread cookies and went to get Jenn. I had half the cookies eaten, and half the apple juice drank before she could even get back there. I was also ready to pee. The nurse took me to the bathroom and again asked to see my pad (in case I didn’t already feel embarrassed and humiliated enough) and let me pee in peace, just let her see the toilet before I flush.
When I had passed all their tests the came and took the iv out, let me get dressed and wheeled me out. 1:15pm. I shouldn’t have even been out of recovery yet. Jenn let me know that Dr. A had told her that there was no damage to either my cervix or my uterus. This time I cared. I was glad to hear that we would be able to try again. One doctor told us to wait just one cycle, another said three. We’ll see how we feel.
We got outside and Jenn and I held on to the string of the balloon, reminded Blueberry how much we loved him and let the balloon go. The three of us stood there crying for a minute and Jenn got me in the car and brought me home.
About halfway home the drugs started to wear off. I had only been told to expect some cramping, and some bleeding. They did not mention that I would have contractions. Awful contractions that would never bring me my baby.
I was also given no pain medication. Oh, just take some Advil. BS. Jenn called the doctor as soon as we got home and Dr. A apologized, they must not have realized how far along I was, she called me in a prescription for anxiety and insomnia, it is a good drug. I took some of my Oxycontin to try and sleep instead of going to get the new drug right away. Jenn didn’t want to leave me, and I didn’t want to go out.
We got home and slept for awhile, I had a hard time falling asleep because of the contractions. We woke up around 9 pm, and I wanted to get out of the house for a bit. We went to Giant to get the prescription. I had to walk slowly again due to the contractions.
Slept fitfully through the night, and woke up late Saturday. I felt my belly and already I could no longer feel my uterus. Dr. Stabler had shown Jenn how to feel it while we were at the appointment. It made everything seem suddenly so real.
It’s been a week now since we found out we’ve lost Blueberry. I only have a few bruises left. The biggest two problems I’ve been having physically are the nightmares and my breasts are leaking. I keep trying to find the positive in everything, and I am happy that my boobs work. Now we know that when we do have our baby to hold, I’ll be able to breastfeed.
Emotionally I am a wreck. I did really well on Tuesday, Jenn had her surgery so I had taking care of her on my mind, and not myself. That felt good. Halfway through yesterday she started to get back to normal, and I started to lose my mind again. I hurt, and I hurt bad.
I broke down and called the doctor today, or rather had Jenn call them for me. I don’t like to admit I can’t handle something on my own. I don’t like admitting that I need help, but I do. This pain is not going to disappear overnight.
We will never be normal again. We are going to have to find a new normal. It is going to take awhile, I don’t know how long, but we will find it.
We are going to try again. We will not be beat down. I know there is nothing we could have done to keep Blueberry with us, although I wish there was. We have an angel watching over us, and we love him more than anything.
Thank you to everyone for your kind words, your flowers, and your cards. They mean the world to us. We know that you all are thinking of us. We love you, and feel your love too.